Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Thankful and Thoughtful

At this time of reflecting on all that I am thankful for, I count the same things I did last year:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • A job I enjoy
  • Writing
  • Feeling loved
  • My health
  • The health of my daughter
  • New experiences
  • Travel
  • Laughter
  • Strength
With those thoughts also come some reflections that elicit some sadness. Among all the good, I have had moments when I have thought that I am grateful that Warren hasn't had to experience things that would have caused him pain or disillusionment.

Most of the time thinking of what Warren has missed makes me angry. I hate that he missed the birth and milestones of his nephew; his sister's wedding; his parents' visits; our daughter's 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th birthdays; my graduation; seeing his brother-in-law live out his dream of being an entertainment wrestler; being at his best friend's wedding; and the every day occurrences that bring joy and energy to life.

On the flip side, there have been some tough times that have made me think, "Thank God Warren isn't here to see/experience this." Though brief, those thoughts in themselves are painful. I wish that Warren was here, period, but the reality is otherwise. In light of that, there are times when I can imagine his pain at seeing some of the things that have happened. Whether it's within the family, among friends, or the turn our society is taking, I am thankful that he is spared that pain. Yet, I would love to have his words of support and arms wrapped around me in assurance. I felt safe and strong in our union, like whatever I was facing would be OK. In those times when I ache for that feeling, I am slightly comforted knowing that he is in a place where that pain cannot touch him, where his joy cannot be interrupted. I am stronger because of what he taught me, and while it is not easy dealing with those moments of insecurity about whatever is causing me grief, time has taught me how to overcome. I have a wonderful network of support - some of it put in place because of Warren being in my life, and other relationships strengthened because of having been his partner. For that, I am eternally grateful.

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