Thursday, June 29, 2017

More Waiting

The BF: Be patient.
Me: I don't have time for patience.

That is my life motto, especially lately. My plate runneth over with a self-imposed deadline for finishing novel #2, planning my daughter's grand entry into teendom, and begging for money and finalizing other logistics for the Warren Morrow Latin Music Festival. In all these areas there are times I need to wait for various things and it drives me nuts. My default when I have to wait is, "Get out of my way, I'll do it myself," but that isn't always the best method.

As I try to slow down and remind myself that life isn't a race, I spent some time looking back and almost spit out my coffee when I read last year's blog entry. It feels like I was in the same place a year ago. The difference is that today I am working on a different novel. Other than that, I am still playing the waiting game. Waiting to hear from my agent; waiting to see who applies to be a vendor at the music festival; waiting to get sponsorships; waiting for my daughter's next moody outburst; waiting, waiting, waiting. I wish I could say that over time I have become better at it and have a better outlook but that isn't the truth. 

However, I have learned that moving full speed ahead on every aspect of life isn't healthy. Lately, I have been reminded of that in various ways and need to take heed. In response, I am scaling back on some things. Blogging is one of them. I stress over making my weekly deadline of getting this blog written and out there. It's an important outlet for me. However, I can't keep up with the blogs that I follow and I am guessing that my readers can't keep up with mine, either. Therefore I am combining my looking back and slowing down. On occasion, I am going to look back on blogs from the last few years and see where I was and where I am. When it fits, I will share the journey from then to now, or I will reflect on the stagnancy of my life, as I did today. I hope to be able to do this every other week or so. That will give me some space to breathe and allow readers to get caught up. I'll see how this goes and surprise readers (and myself) with new content as life gives unfolds. Until then, let's look back together and hopefully see how much can change in a year (or two).

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Looking Back

Around this time a year ago I held my first published work. It was not the novel I envisioned but it was still my writing unleashed for others to read. While it was not the story I ever wanted to write, it was the one that was given to me by life and circumstance. Sometimes that's how things go and what can we do but go along?

In the year that I've owned the book, I have only read through my portion once. I still remember the day I sat to write my entry. I got a message from my grief counselor, who knew I loved to write. She encouraged me and I thought, "Why not? What do I have to lose?" I am glad I did it, although I never thought it would mark my publishing debut. However, it is part of my story and I wrote it in hopes that it could help another person living through the loss of their soulmate. 

This past week we would have celebrated thirteen years of marriage. Being married was a lot of work but I loved being a wife. I loved having a partner. I have seen my fair share of marriages that left a lot to be desired. I have seen couples look at each other with disgust and scorn and wondered why they are still together. I was fortunate not to have reached that point. Like any couple, we had our disagreements and there were times I fantasized about loading up my laptop, books and my dog and driving off into the sunset and leaving matrimony and parenthood behind. However, looking back at our seven years of marriage, plus three years of friendship, dating, and engagement, those negative feelings were minimal. For the majority of the ten years I had with my soulmate I loved loving him and being loved by him.

Putting those years into perspective, I guess it shouldn't surprise me that the first story I put out into the world involved our time together and the impact of my loss. C'est la vie and it's my story. May it help the next widow facing a loss as severe as mine was.

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