Outgrowing My Life's Vision

At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.As a child, when I pictured my future, I was a teacher; a flight attendant; a businesswoman with a corner office among the clouds, far above the streets of New York. I wore heels and the latest fashions and owned a modern, minimalist condo that I shared with my husband and cute little dog. My weekends were full of cocktails, dining out and the latest Broadway shows. 

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My life looks nothing like that and it has taken me over two decades to come to terms with how my life has turned out. 


Part of the problem is that I didn’t update my vision of my life as it unfolded. Since I thought I had done everything to lead towards what I wanted - I had the business degree, savings, a strong network and a businessman husband. I figured that the rest was coming because I had been aligning everything just so. What I hadn’t accounted for was all the other elements of life that were working against that vision. I kept trying to re-shape my life into what I thought it should be but life had other plans. Have you ever tried to control the direction of a sled as it glides over the snow down a hill? That’s what it felt like. I was trying to control the sled but the sled was going where the snow allowed. It wasn’t a crazy ride, but it definitely had its own path that I could see but was unwilling to trust as the best path for me.    


Rather than enjoying the life that was right in front of me, I kept looking past it to what wasn’t.

I had more than I had envisioned but I couldn’t see that because I only focused on what was missing. By constantly doing that, I was robbing myself of happiness for no good reason.


Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life, it just doesn’t look like what I convinced myself it would look like since I was a child. For starters, my career took me all over the Midwest but not to the Big Apple. Sure, I could have applied for positions in New York but it would have required me to give up homeownership and the comfortable lifestyle I was accustomed to - void of subway trains and long commutes; high prices and small living spaces. While I held on to the thought that was the life I wanted, it was only an illusion because in truth, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice what I had for what it would take to make it look like what I envisioned.


While I had many offices, none were corner offices with huge windows that looked down on a bustling city that never sleeps. In fact, my time in Corporate America was nothing like I expected and I was much happier when I left that grind behind. When I pictured myself as a business tycoon, I failed to consider that I was a young woman of color and how that would impact the professional ladder I needed to climb. And the clothes and high heels I thought I’d wear to climb that ladder? No way! I grew to prefer comfort over stuffy pantsuits and shoes that contort my feet. Even while I accepted this about myself, I mourned for the life that had stamped itself in my head so many decades ago.


As the pieces of my life came together, I resisted. I failed to appreciate what I had in hopes that it would morph into what I thought I wanted. That left me feeling empty inside; like a failure to myself and therefore, a failure to everyone. It led to bouts of depression, dissatisfaction and daily negative self-talk. I was never good enough. Never enough. My accomplishments felt minor and I didn’t take pride in what I achieved, no matter how much blood, sweat and tears it took to get it done. For years, this was a shadow over my life. In the midst of everything else, it loomed, like a storm cloud.  


When the pandemic came, I spent a lot of time at home. Like many, I made improvements to my home and transformed certain spaces into places I wanted to be. I also formed a pod of people I trusted enough to spend time with on a regular basis. In the midst of millions losing their jobs and homes, it opened my eyes to what I had actually built for myself, and how easily it could have had a negative outcome. Several events highlighted how fortunate I was for the life I live. It dawned on me that what was keeping me from reaching a genuine level of happiness and gratitude for my life was the outdated vision I held on to about how my life should look. While it still held the glamor and wonder from when I first conjured the thought, I realized that I had outgrown that scene. There was no way that I would willingly give up the life I had for the one I thought I wanted. It took deliberate acceptance to get to that realization and it wasn’t easy to embrace.


First, I had to let go. But that isn’t easy when you’ve engrained it into your psyche that your life can only be successful if it looks a certain way and that everything else is either a step in that direction or a roadblock. As much as I realized that I had created an even better life for myself than the one I imagined, it was a sad realization. It felt unfamiliar and like a cop out to accept things as they are.


If I was no longer working towards what I thought my life should be, then what was I doing with my life? 


To be honest, I don’t have an answer. All I know is that what I have is good. The most glaring omission from the life I envisioned all those years ago was the people in it. Aside from a husband, I hadn’t thought about friends or any kind of support system. Yet, that is what helped me realize how good I have it. Looking at all the people in my life who were checking on me; inviting me to socially distanced get togethers in parking lots and in parks; including me in group chats and virtual game nights; those with whom I explored Zoom and got re-connected. They are the substance in my life, they make up the pieces I hadn’t counted on that are more valuable to me than all the corner offices overlooking all the cities in the world. Through those relationships I am embracing what is and seeing it for the gift it is, rather than all the ways it doesn’t resemble what I thought I wanted. Remembering how those relationships have been the glue that held my soul together during this dark and uncertain time has been the jolt I need to re-evaluate and allow myself to accept what is and the peace to release what wasn’t meant for me.