Thursday, February 15, 2018

Six Years

Mi Querido Amor,

It is strange to think that 2,190 days ago you left this earth. To think of it in years feels like it hasn't been that long yet feels like decades in my heart. 

You have missed so much and yet you are still part of everything. Mostly I know you are part of my raising our daughter. Most of the time I feel like I am doing things so differently than if you were here. We had some very distinct ideas about how to raise a girl. You are missing the fun of the teen years. She is no longer the little girl who would spend snow days playing dress up in your suits and ties. Today she wears ripped jeans so tight I think she needs to spray herself with butter to get into them and sometimes I look at her and wonder what you would think of that style. Would you hound her to have more integrity in her appearance or would she have you so wrapped around her finger that you would be her shopping buddy? Both are very real possibilities. I sometimes imagine us disagreeing on things like sleepovers and make-up - your more traditional expectations clashing with my wanting to break away from those old ways that make young women question their worth. Sometimes I smile to myself when I tackle things I know would have made your ears turn bright red like puberty and the talk

So often I want to talk to you about everything that has to do with her. I want to hear your advice, see you laugh at her sass and beam with pride when teachers tell me that she is among their top students, or when she wears your Grinnell sweatshirt and says she wants to attend the same school as her daddy. You always wanted her to try her hardest and that is what she does. She gets that from our high expectations and that is part of the legacy you left her that I strive to carry on. 

It is hard not to wonder how her personality would be different if she had more years of your influence. I have done the best I can to keep your spirit alive among us but so many times I feel like I am keeping my head above water that it's hard to know if I make any in-roads. There are certainly times when I fail at parenting and feel that you would be ashamed of my actions. There are times when I send up a little, "I'm sorry" when I know you would have expected me to react differently than I do. I try, I really do but some of the challenges of parenting are more than what even you could face with an open mind and heart. This is hard work that never ends. 

Sometimes I am happy that you got the good years of playing tea party and making her day with a stuffed animal. Those days brought you so much joy and you took those moments with you. They were what brought you happiness and what our daughter holds on to. Nowadays it is way harder to make teens happy. Half the time it feels like swimming against the tide while wearing a weighted vest. I wish you were here to swim alongside me, hold me up when my arms get tired. This is by far the hardest thing you left me to do and I want to do it in a way you can be proud of. Even with the village of love and support you and I built, parenting solo is lonely.

Overall, six years feels like it has dragged on and gone by in the blink of an eye all at once. Was it six minutes ago that the casket closed? Was it sixty years ago I last heard your voice? Perhaps that is why many people equate grief with losing your mind. It feels like that sometimes. I miss you in subtle ways all the time, more so than I ever mention because it has become a part of who I am. I see things that you would like and the thought of you comes to mind. It saddens me but I remind myself that your bliss is better than anything I can see and the feeling passes. It all happens in seconds. It's like breathing. Yet, the days leading up to the 15th all my emotions are so much more profound.

I feel fear and vulnerability at levels that are hard to deal with. I feel needy to a degree that is uncharacteristic and it scares so me so I withdraw when what I really want to do is be curled up among those who love me and have been my rocks. The thought that replays in my head is how clueless I was in the days leading up to your death. I had no idea that we were experiencing our lasts. Our last good morning, our last disagreement, our last Valentine's Day, our last good night. The days were so normal and mundane and then BOOM. You were gone; my life changed; I changed. The trust I had in the universe was flipped on its head. In its place is the dread of the other shoe falling, waiting for the next shock to hit. It's like when you've been beaten and someone comes to hug you but you flinch because you expect to be beaten again, even if the person is smiling and calm as they approach you. I live in that flinch, especially in the days leading to the 15th.

I ask myself how I manage to unflinch the rest of the year and I don't have a clear answer. Why after six  years am I still flinching? I don't have an answer to that, either. I have these high expectations every year that I will be stronger, more prepared and less emotional. But every year I am disappointed at how much I feel, hurt and want things to get easier.

This year is no exception. Every anniversary I try new approaches. This year I have packed my calendar with back to back appointments and will end the night surrounded by family and friends. If it were not for them, I don't know where I would be. Throughout the day it is inevitable that my mind will wander back to February 15, 2012 and I will think about what I was doing that day. The memories will come in waves of feelings as they do every year. The scenes from that day will mix with scenes from your wake and funeral as they always do. One memory that always comes to me on this anniversary is the last time I saw your physical self, right before they closed the casket and how my feet felt glued to the floor. I didn't want to see the actual closing but I couldn't bear to walk away knowing what was to happen as soon as I did. From then on, the closed casket wasn't you. It was a prop from the worse day of my life.

Te quiero Mi Amor. Hoy y siempre.

Tu Preciosa,


Wednesday, December 13, 2017


A few weeks ago I took one of those assessments that are meant to uncover your strengths. It was a bunch of questions that asked me how likely I was to do one thing or another. It took about fifteen minutes and was pretty easy. I had done similar exercises before and was candid in my responses, wondering if I would learn something different about myself that I hadn't already learned. 

The chances of another person having my strengths in the same order as me is one in 33 million. In case you fall in those odds, the descriptions are as follows:
  1. Input: Have a craving to know more; like to collect and archive all kinds of information
  2. Intellection: Characterized by their intellectual activity and are retrospective and appreciate intellectual conversation
  3. Futuristic: Inspired by the future and what could be; energize others with their vision of the future
  4. Ideation: Fascinated by ideas and able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena
  5. Strategic: Create alternative ways to proceed; can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues
These strengths were not a surprise. In the grand scheme of things, some themes emerged that made total sense. One theme that stood out among the descriptions of these strengths was efficient

Having led nonprofits where my actual title should have been, Boss of Making Things Happen on a Zero Budget, I constantly question whether how things are being done is truly the best way to do them. That sometimes comes across as challenging others or bossy but that is not the intent. I like to know that whatever I am doing is the best possible way to do it. I hate to know that resources, time, energy or money are being wasted. That is probably why I can never imagine myself working in politics or government.  

I am learning how to apply that efficiency in my writing. With my latest manuscript, I have asked whether or not a character is necessary. Can another one carry out his purpose? Is it worth having another backstory to contend with or can I move the plot along and develop the characters without him? I also ask that about words. I tend to get wordy in my descriptions or backstories and have to comb through scenes asking whether everything is necessary. I have to remind myself to trust my reader and allow them to insert their own lives into the narrative. As I've blogged before, that is an area of on-going struggle for me.

The craving to know more and archive information has been valuable in writing. I store bits of information here and there for stories. Sometimes it makes it in a scene, other times my understanding of something allows me to create a more complete picture. When I wrote about MMA I read books about the sport, but also manuals about how the moves are done, in what order they work best and why certain body types are better at certain moves. I even researched the associated injuries and what the long-term effects could be. I wasn't surprised I scored high in this area, although I am not as good as by BF at memorizing random trivia. I collect a lot of information when needed, but my storage isn't what it could be. 

In my professional life, I am known as the person who questions everything. I have no qualms about challenging someone, especially when they tell me the reason for something is because it has always been done that way. You might as well taunt me with a red flag because I jump on that as a reason to find another way to achieve the same goal. It has led to co-workers feeling intimidated by me and superiors questioning whether or not I want to be a team player. I want to be a team player for sure but I do not want to be on a mediocre team. At the end of the day I have learned to hone this in with various approaches so I don't come on too strong and try to remember to assure others that my objective is not to step on toes or be a pain in the ass, but rather it is based on productivity.

When it comes to challenging the status quo, I'm your girl. When it comes to challenging my characters...that's not my greatest strength. I love them and want to be nice to them. I want them to come out ahead but it makes for a boring story to always be nice to them. Some of my beta readers find it hard to believe that it's difficult for me to be mean to my characters because they are beaten, abused, mangled and hurt. They lose loved ones and live hard lives and none of that is easy to write. But, at the end of the day, it is still their story and I have to get past my instinct to protect them and give them the opportunity to be brave, strong and fierce.

The other theme that emerged was forward-thinking. I think anyone with anxiety is futuristic. We ponder and worry about what has yet to happen all the time. However, when writing, that is when I can have a little fun controlling my character's destinies. I like to have control in real life, too but reality doesn't always cooperate so creating a world where I am the ringmaster is ideal. It is also therapeutic. With words, I can be the master of my fate. Sometimes as I work through fictional scenarios I subconsciously process my reality. This has been a gift at times and also a curse when my own writing has been a trigger for feelings I thought had been dealt with already.

Moving forward I hope to continue to remind myself of these strengths as I look for others. Over time as life teaches me more lessons I am sure the list will change and I will gain new perspectives. That is the most exciting part.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Being a Storyteller

A few weeks ago I got an email from a local reporter asking if I'd be interested in sharing my story as a widow who had found love again. She had heard about me from someone in the community and wanted to know more about me. 

I gave her my story in four points:
  • I loved Warren
  • Warren died
  • I thought love would never happen again
  • Thanks to Tinder, I was wrong
She was intrigued and we spoke in more detail for a while. She said several other people had been recommended and that after she heard their stories she would get back to me. I didn't give it much thought and one day I got an email from her saying that I, along with five others, had been selected to be part of the line-up to tell stories related to New Beginnings, the theme for their event.

These events had been happening all over the city for at least a year but I had never attended. I didn't really know what to expect but I speak publically all the time so I was excited to get another chance to do so. Then she told me that this would be different. It would have to be a personal story that hadn't been shared before. Also, it wouldn't be a presentation - no podium or slideshow to guide me. I couldn't even use notes. I had to tell a personal story. 

I paused. While I write stories all the time, what she wanted was way more intimate. I would be telling a room full of strangers about something I hadn't told many people I was close to. Telling a story is way different than writing one. There would be no delete button if I screwed it up. Once I said something, it would be out there and open for immediate interpretation. While I could pre-write it and try to memorize it, the project was about connecting through stories. I didn't want to sound like I was reciting a memorized verse. Telling a story is a gift you give to the listener. It is about them more than the teller. 

As a storyteller, my job was to bring the listener into a world I knew and allow them to navigate it however they chose. Some people would be able to relate, others would try to do so and to others, it might be a trigger. Writing can do the same thing but as the writer, I don't see and cannot react to the reader. This would be different. I would stand on a stage, deliver a story from my heart and absorb the audience's response. To complicate matters, the venue was the same place where Warren proposed.

By the time I learned that little fact I had already agreed to the event and it added an extra layer of worry. Would I be able to stand in that place where I had once felt elation and excitement and tell of the pain of losing what had been envisioned when I said yes to his proposal? How was I supposed to stand in that space again and talk about loving another man? My stomach locked every time I thought about it and there were times when I started to email the reporter to tell her that perhaps I should wait until another time, at another venue to share that story. 

It took many internal conversations and self-motivation to decide that I would not back down. I wanted to tell my story. I felt like it needed to be told. This voice inside my head reminded me that I was not the kind of woman who backed down from challenges. If I could plan Warren's funeral, I could honor him in this story. He is the reason I can love as I do and the story would center on that. I made it my goal to highlight hope, not loss.

As the weeks went by I wrote and re-wrote my story. I even told it to Warren one night as I looked at his photo and practiced. Looking at him while I told the story helped solidify that it wasn't a story about replacing his love. It was a story about continuing his legacy of love. Had he and I not loved one another as we did, my story would not be possible. It was that same love that drew my BF into my life and brought us closer. Thankfully, my BF had sensed this early into our relationship and the way he continues to honor that love and be grateful for it allowed me to tell a story that had multiple layers but at its core, was about how I was loved and how that love allowed me to love again.

Courtesy of Des Moines Register
Just before the host introduced me, I thought I would pass out. I took a breath and calmed myself down. When I walked on the stage my heart raced. I felt the lump form in my throat within the first minute of speaking. My family and best friend were there and I could feel their support. And of course, my new love was there. His presence helped push the lump aside and gave me the courage to tell the story. We took a chance on each other and opened up to what could be. That wasn't easy for either of us and I am proud of our courage. I wanted a story about hope, and when I think of us, I feel that. Our story has just as much weight as what I had. Telling that story was a gift to him and what we shared, just as Warren had given me a gift on that same stage thirteen years earlier. 

I got through the story and when I was done there was an intermission where I got to take a breath and calm my nerves. During that time I got a lot of accolades. People told me how much they related to the story and I was happy it resonated with the audience. Widows came up to me and thanked me for telling their story and shared how they had found love again. I was honored they shared their stories with me. One widow told me I was brave and I told her that she was, too. When the crowd had moved on to drinks and bathroom breaks I got the greatest kudos of all. My boyfriend's eyes were moist and filled with emotion. In his embrace the last of the nerves melted away and my heart found its normal rhythm. I knew he had received the gift.

Listen to the story here.

Sunday, November 26, 2017


I ran across a headline today that made me stop and think. It said, ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR YOUR MARRIAGE? While I didn't hesitate in thinking, "YES," I asked myself why. It was good to reflect and see how marriage has played in role in forming me as a woman.

I have heard people say that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it is unnecessary. I have never agreed with that. The right to that piece of paper has been the center of controversy, strife, and heartache for couples who were denied the right to marry. Without the struggles of those who fought against that injustice, my husband may not have existed since interracial couples were not always able to marry legally. In my opinion, that piece of paper is a declaration of a promise that you are a team through life. While anything can symbolize that kind of partnership, I learned that the act of marriage also holds security. That piece of paper allowed me to make decisions after Warren died that I would otherwise be unauthorized to make. It designated me as the person closest to him who would know what his last wishes might be; how he would want his estate managed; and as the beneficiary of his assets. This authority was earned in the countless hours spent supporting him in all he tried. It was more than being the person who cheered him on. We brainstormed together on ideas; I helped him scope talented hires; we networked together to make connections for his career and business; I was at his side shaking hands and smiling at events where he was the honoree, speaker and featured guest; I held down the household while he wheeled and dealed, and put up with the laptop as the third wheel in our marriage. In other words, we were a team in all things. His successes were possible because of me and mine were thanks to him. 

He earned the right to all I accomplished in our marriage. I didn't do it alone and would not have been able to get nearly as far without his steady supply of encouragement and hands-on guidance. Warren knew my goals and dreams so when he came across an opportunity to help make those happen, he attacked it as if it were his own. That level of support and energy at my side was a wonderful example of true partnership and allowed me to develop my passions, see the world and become the woman I am today. Being married taught me about teamwork. Our dreams were intertwined, dependent on the other. Once married we were no longer making choices for ourselves, it was for the well-being of what we were creating. The days of being the center of my own universe were behind me. I learned what it was like to have a teammate in my corner for the good and the bad. On the days things were good we both celebrated. When things weren't good we strategized together to see how to turn things around. There were times when I pushed harder because he expected no less of me. He did the same and strived to make me proud.

Every day we built our life together gave me a reason to be proud because it wasn't easy work. We had different ideas and temperaments. We expressed ourselves uniquely. We spoke different love languages we had to learn and adapt to. There were times when we clicked and times when we didn't. Like any other relationship, it had its highs and lows. When life threw curveballs we dodged them together and when we got lemons we squeezed them together to make lemonade. Living dually like that was like training for the ultimate Olympics with my coach and teammate rolled into one and always at my side.

In the end, my team lost an MVP. Am I thankful for that team? Hell yea. Even though it felt like I could never play that sport again, it didn't dampen my memories of the game or the camaraderie of being on a team. I am grateful that I learned those lessons and can carry them with me. I will forever be grateful that I learned to live an interknit life with someone else. The lesson was short so if I ever marry again I know I will have more to learn but I am grateful for the marriage that showed me I am capable of being an active member of such an important team.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017


I looked back at last year's birthday post with hopes of big changes. This time last year, I was battling the paranoia that came from the election, as well as the normal feelings of wanting my life to count for something.  

This year came with a wave of unexpected sadness. I say 'unexpected' and immediately feel like I am lying to myself because it is always expected, just never welcomed. Since Warren died, all my joy is tinged with sadness. As often happens, I had a bout of tears that wouldn't stop popping up at inopportune times. At work: tears streamed down my face. Writing a scene: tears when the scene wasn't even sad. Driving: more tears. I was like WTF?!? Basta! Enough of this! There is so much to smile about and be grateful for! But, internally, the wound of loss was irritated. I wanted to talk to my friend about all there was to celebrate and that was not possible. I have other friends. I have a caring boyfriend who listens to my nonsense on a daily basis. My family is full of support and listening ears. Yet, here I was, almost six years later still yearning for the one thing I will never have. 

I've said it before and I'll say it until my last breath: GRIEF SUCKS. It hits you when you are least prepared and keeps pounding on you when you want peace. It gives you some moments of relief and you think you've gotten stronger, and then BAM it comes to show you who is really in charge. 

A thoughtful token of love
Something else I've said over and over again: I am a lucky woman. I am loved and grateful for those who love me. That love turned my mood and my day around. It started with my boyfriend downloading and playing my favorite song first thing in the morning. He surprised me with a beautiful and thoughtful gift that pays homage to my love of dragonflies, which has been a source of comfort since Warren died. The necklace is bright and delicate, two words that also reflect our relationship in lots of ways- yet another reason to be happy and thankful this year. He also gave me lots of hugs and well wishes that helped me get through the day.

I gave myself the gift of two hours to write before work. I am in the thick of a new manuscript and in that phase where it's super exciting to be in the story and watch my characters take shape. It's similar to being around your crush - there is never enough time and there are butterflies.

After work, family and friends came together to indulge my craving for sushi and Thai food. During dinner, I looked around the table full of smiling faces and thought about how much I am me because of them. Everyone at the table, plus those who couldn't make it are the reason I move forward. They inspire me, motivate me, love me and accept me on my good and bad days. They are my weapons against grief. They counter the sadness and bad feelings that try to dampen my soul. 

Grief is a part of who I am and will always be. It is intertwined with everything I do and every emotion that flows through my body. It will never leave me but I am armed with so much more. Even on the days when it is hard to see that, love is just as strong and it fights through the negative, countering it and bringing me through to the other side. The people in my life are my armor. It is for them and because of them that I can fight back and feel stronger so that I can be armor to someone else. Being surrounded by their love helped me push past the grief that tried to shadow the celebration. 

As I look forward to my thirty-eighth year of life, I see that the good and bad are what life is made of. As long as the good never leaves me, I will continue to feel that even with the grief, I live a good life filled with love. This is the mantra to remember when grief tries to tell me otherwise. 

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Out with Anxiety

In the time that I've been away from blogging I have been trying to exercise self-love and doing a crappy job of it. For the last few weeks, I have been at war with my own thoughts. This is how my anxiety starts and then manifests itself in a variety of ways.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety when I graduated college but have had it as long as I can remember. All my life I recall physical reactions to events and situations. I would feel sick to my stomach before major events like my sweet sixteen and prom, and in reaction to things like being bullied. Sleeping the night before important events was nearly impossible. I would have epic meltdowns that my mother had no idea how to control and at times didn't know what brought them on. I wish I could say that these tantrums subsided as I matured but instead, they have matured right along with me. 

In college, my anxiety took the form of bulimia. As long as there was a toilet nearby, I felt like I could control the constant negative chatter that lived in my head. While the behavior started before college, it wasn't until then that it took on another life, the only way I knew to calm myself. It was about so much more than being thin. 

I still remember the meltdown that scared me into action. I was alone in my tiny apartment and it was a few weeks from graduation. I was juggling two jobs, an internship and leading college organizations. To top it all off, I had an unsupportive boyfriend and was trying to save a relationship that couldn't be saved. On the surface, I looked like I had everything under control. When alone, it was another story. I shook with the fear of failure. I ate less than five bites of food per day and never kept any of it down. I cried for hours when I should have been studying or sleeping. I spent hours on cardio machines trying to sweat away the restlessness. The night of my eye-opening meltdown, I burst into tears that rocked my body like I was having a seizure. I fell to the ground and every muscle felt tight. It was like there was a weight on my chest and I couldn't breathe, even as I cried. I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom and flush my feelings away. I think about that night and get goosebumps recalling the fear that gripped me. No doubt it was due to months of malnourishment, lack of sleep, unhealthy habits and stress. It was also fueled by my propensity to constantly worry about the "WHAT IF."

I am a master at coming up with the worse WHAT IF scenarios in my head and then panicking because I don't feel equipped to face them. WHAT IF has been my companion as long as I can remember and it has never been positive WHAT IFs, it's always been doom and gloom in my head. 

That night, when I was finally able to calm down and catch my breath, I knew something wasn't right. It was scary to go through that and I wanted to know what was happening so I could prevent it. I had heard about anxiety attacks and wondered if that was what had just happened. 

After I graduated I was on a mission to find out if I had clinical anxiety. I met with a few different therapists and psychiatrists before finding one and she did a series of tests. We had difficult and lengthy conversations. After an extensive evaluation, she prescribed medication. Like many, I was weary to take medication for the rest of my life.  She said it could be a crutch or a tool, it was up to me. I wanted it to be a tool. She said I had to put in a lot of work if I wanted that. She encouraged me that anxiety could be controlled with lifestyle choices, but made it clear that there was no cure. Even with the medication, I would have relapses. There would always be triggers and I would have to learn new coping skills. 

Over the years I have gone on and off meds and have tried various combinations. I have learned to identify what helps me get rid of the WHAT IFs, or at least get them to quiet down so I can have more realistic thoughts. My psychiatrist was right, though. It takes constant work to live with anxiety and as I change, so does my condition.

When Warren died, my anxiety around night time and sleep became a more ferocious beast. There were so many nights I would lay in bed and my heart would pound and my mind would race and my stomach would churn for hours. It was common for me to get three hours of sleep per night, usually less. On nights it was really bad, I pulled out my laptop and wrote. Other nights I popped melatonin like it was candy. After about a year of this with little to no success, I saw my doctor and got on meds. The same meds that had worked before no longer worked and I spent months trying various combinations. Fast forward to today, and while I've been off the pills for almost a year, I recognize that they help more than what I can do on my own. 

Recently, I have felt some familiar symptoms. Sleep has become difficult again and the faintest sound wakes me up and I am awake for hours. I have bent over a toilet bowl and burst into tears at silly provocations. Over the years I have learned to hold it together during the day but the comfort of home is a different story. My poor daughter and boyfriend have been bearing the brunt of it and it's not fair to them. The worst burden is in my own head. It has become loud again. I continue to workout, read, knit, write, keep busy and be social - all tools that have helped me maintain a life without pills but I am vigilant and aware. I have noticed a shift in how these activities affect me. When this happens, I have learned to reach out and get help. Life is much easier when my brain can rest, which allows the rest of my body to do so as well. 

Mental health issues are taboo and I don't understand why. I didn't bring on my anxiety. It is as much a part of me as my curls. It was formed in my DNA. It is also common. I see the signs of it in others and depending on my comfort with the person, I feel proud helping them by sharing my story. My methods may not work for everyone but if it can be helpful knowing that someone else sees you and understands, then I hope these words can do that.   

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The Daily Task of Rising

Tomorrow I am scheduled as a Women at Noon Series speaker at Des Moines University. It was an honor to be asked to share my story, especially among the stellar line-up of exceptional women. It was not the first time I had been asked to speak about my journey but it felt like it. Part of the reason is that the event is open to the public. I have done a lot of speaking for private events. Being that this is open to the public, I have no idea how many people will show up - if any, and what they want to gain from hearing my story. That triggers my desire to please everyone as I try to imagine why anyone would be motivated to spend their lunch hour learning about me.

As I worried and wondered what to focus on, I thought to presentations I've heard in the past. The more personal the story, the more I related to the speaker. The vulnerability of being in front of a group and sharing innermost thoughts and experiences is a great show of humanity. I have had the privilege of having heard many speakers and their examples came to mind. It also filled me with doubt.

  • Can I be as truthful as those who put it all out there and drew me in?
  • How can I hold myself accountable to the truth?
As I prepared the presentation I kept telling myself to relax. I have spoken to large groups before. There is a reason I was asked to speak. I needed to own that. It's tough to do that when you aren't feeling in your prime.

The last few weeks have come with some parenting challenges that have made me question who I am at my core. I am in a constant state of processing that but when something brings that to the surface I become guarded and protective. I didn't want that to come across as me being less than honest in my story. I want to be like the speakers who have uplifted me. If people are going to take time out of their day to listen to me, I want them to go away with not only a message of hope, but a better picture of who I am. My goal is to connect with my audience at a level that surpasses the event and opens the door for further interaction. That means I can't be restrictive. I have to share the good along with the ugly. 

There were and still are ugly parts of my journey. It is a daily part of my life and I am not alone in that. We all face the daily task of rising. For some it might be rising to get their day going because they face circumstances and situations they would rather not deal with. For others it might mean rising to an occasion they fear. We all walk paths of challenge and choices. Sometimes they are easier than others but it is the ones that want to knock us down that move us to choose to listen to the stories of others. We rely on their narratives to fuel our own. In the end, it is this that helps us choose to rise to our own destinies, even if the stories are unrelated.

With that as my guiding principal, I will rise to confront my doubts and insecurities and tell a story that comes from the deepest part of me. It won't be easy and I'll have to fake confidence with every word but I owe it to every listener who comes to find a piece of their story in mine. If nothing else, it is part of the legacy I hope to leave. It is part of my ultimate life goal to leave this world a little better than I found it, even if that is only true for one person. 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Pura Vida

Last month I checked off a ten-year bucket list item - I went ziplining over the rainforest in Costa Rica.  It was as amazing as I dreamed it would be and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. 

Aside from the adrenaline of the zipline, the trip was filled with hiking, horseback riding, thermal hot springs, an impromptu trip to Nicaragua and scalping tickets to a World Cup qualifying match at the National Stadium.

It's hard to pinpoint what I liked best about the trip because the truth is, I loved every minute of it. I often like to check off countries and move on to other continents, but I would gladly return to Costa Rica and Nicaragua if I have the chance.

Here are some more highlights. 
Eco lodge in the rain forest
Volcán Arenal

One of many hiking trails

View of the volcano from our lodge balcony

Lodge grounds

Scenes from the lodge grounds

Arenal volcano in the background

The beach along the northwest coast

Impromtu trip to Nicaragua

Lake Nicaragua

The largest lake in Central America

Small town in Nicaragua

Gases from an active volcano

Monkey Island
Scene from Monkey Island

More scenes from Nicaragua:

World Cup Qualifier: Mexico vs. Costa Rica:
National Stadium in San Jose
Scalped tickets
Stadium lit and ready for the match
Costa Rica's team

75,000 fans

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

A Conversation and Discovery

True to their promise, my parents in law came for their annual visit. They timed it so they would be here for the Warren Morrow Music Festival I help organize every year. They also wanted to be in his home on what would have been Warren's fortieth birthday and arrived on that day. Unfortunately, I was out of town the day they arrived but luckily my mom had planned a family party to celebrate their arrival and his birthday. 

Their visits bring us closer as a family, and in particular, my nieces and nephews love having an extra set of grandparents doting on them. One of the things they loved most about their visit was a party game my mom created where she wrote a question about Warren on a slip of paper and put it inside a balloon. Each child took turns popping the balloon and answering the question and Warren's parents helped them with the answer or shared a story related to the response. The kids learned more about their uncle and my in laws said they felt proud and touched at how eager the kids are to remember Warren and learn more about him. 

I was sorry to have missed that celebration but thankful for a chance to learn more about Warren's childhood in a more intimate setting when his dad and I participated in StoryCorps. For those who do not want to click on the link, StoryCorps collects personal stories through people interviewing one another and archives the stories at the Library of Congress and eventually on their website.

In any case, the conversation was enlightening and it was one of few times Warren's dad and I were able to talk about him, just the two of us.

We shared some interesting stories and I was proud of myself for not crying. I really thought I would get in the room and lose it, especially while looking at his dad, with whom he shares the warmth in his smile. I see bits of Warren in his dad so I knew that talking about him to his dad would be difficult. All day before the interview I told myself to calm down, to focus on the present and to make the experience about the conversation and not about the topic. That was easier said than done but in the end, I was happy that I kept it together and we shared a dialogue and some quality time we would not have had otherwise.

I had hoped to have a clip to share on this blog but I haven't received it. Stay tuned and I will share it when it becomes available.

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